Today

 Change, North America, People  No Responses »
Jan 212013
 

Stinson Beach on my birthdayToday I’m turning 38. Mai got up at dawn and is on her way to the office. When she asked me a few weeks ago what I wanted for my birthday the answer was easy: getting together with a small group of friends, sharing a good dinner and going dancing in a club. I look at my watch: 8.15am. The party starts in 705 minutes (or 42,300 seconds). I sit at the desk and begin my morning ritual, laying on paper last night’s dreams and this morning’s thoughts and emotions. What do I feel like doing today? I haven’t seen the Ocean up close in months, and I miss it. The crashing sound of the surf, the feeling of the marine breeze on my skin, the soft warmth of a winter sun… Manly yawns and Biela gives me her mind-control stare. These dogs have a clear way of making me understand it’s walk time.

On the flank of Tank Hill lays a patch of grass, dirt and rocks with a priceless view of San Francisco, the Golden Gate Bridge and the Pacific coast beyond: this is where my dogs take their human on a walk twice a day. A man dressed in black is sitting on the spot where I usually hang out and take in the view while Manly and Biela sniff around, run around, and go about their canine business. What is this guy doing here? This is MY secret spot, MY view, MY morning treasure. I ignore him and stay at a distance, waiting for the intruder to leave.

He stays.

“Hey brother, do you know what that first point is, the one we can see over there?” The man raises his finger towards the horizon, just beyond the North end of the famous red bridge that has become a symbol of The City I call home. I look around, hoping the stranger is talking to someone else, but there’s no one else in sight.

ME: “I’m not sure. Maybe it’s Point Reyes.”
MAN: “You think so?”
I get closer to him and observe the Pacific coast, trying to answer this simple question about a landscape that’s been right here in front of my eyes twice a day for the past six months. I’ve never wondered about this before.
ME: “Actually no: Point Reyes is further North. It could be Stinson Beach.”
MAN: “Oh yes, I think you’re right. It must be Stinson.”
ME: “…”
MAN: “Tomorrow’s my birthday, and it’s the first time I have weather like this.”
ME: “…”
MAN: “You know, normally it’s cold and rainy.”
ME: “…”
MAN: “I’m thinking of going to Stinson tomorrow. I have friends there and I haven’t seen them for a long time.”
I don’t believe in coincidences: there’s a reason why this stranger is crossing my path today.
ME: “Good idea. Actually my birthday is today and I’m thinking of going to the beach too.”
MAN: “Really, yours is today? Happy birthday brother!”
ME: “Thanks. Happy birthday to you too.”
MAN: “I’m Adam.” He smiles, unbothered by several missing teeth, and holds out his hand. I shake it.
ME: “Nice to meet you. I’m Cedric.”
ADAM: “Nice to meet you.”
ME: “…”
ADAM: “…”
ME: “…”
ADAM: “I just need to figure how to get the money.”
He said these words softly, his eyes set on the horizon. It seems he’s talking to himself. The dogs are now sitting on our side; they like Adam. He’s petting Biela gently; I do the same with Manly.
ME: “How much do they charge for a bus ticket to Stinson?”
ADAM: “I don’t know, maybe $7.50 each way, something like that.”
I take a $20 bill out of my wallet and hand it to him.
ME: “Happy Birthday Adam. Please go to Stinson and visit your friends.”
He hesitates for a few seconds before taking the bill, smiling his toothless smile.
ADAM: “Really? Thank you brother. Thank you.”

So many times have I started a day with good intentions that never turned into actions… like picking the guitar that has been feeling so lonely in a corner of my office these past few months, like walking in the forest instead of staying stuck on Facebook. Like going to the beach.

Not today.

Today Adam was here to remind me how lucky I am to have the means to do so many of the things I like. It’s so easy to get caught into a routine and give up on the simple things that give us joy. Today I’m giving myself some time off. Today I’m opening the convertible top, crossing the Golden Gate Bridge, and driving on California Highway 1, along the Pacific Ocean.

Today I’m going to Stinson Beach. Thank you Adam.

Cedric, 1/20/13

Forbidden Fire

 Change, Funny  No Responses »
Aug 252012
 

Snacks: check! Beer: check! Flashlights: check! Wood: check! Two moving boxes full of paper: check! This is no ordinary bonfire; tonight a chunk of our pasts shall burn to ashes.

A true pack rat, I would conscientiously hold on to all sorts of papers: bank statements, sports club bills, medical statements, frequent flier documents, HOA meeting notes, receipts, warranty cards, paystubs, expense reports, the list goes on and on. After the end of each year I would take a guilty pleasure in going through the stash of accumulated papers, sorting them, putting them in folders and filing them away in an archive box. I would then affix it with a subtle label like “Cedric 2009”. Archiving was such serious business that I had to buy an office-grade labeling machine. The day I brought it home, carried away by my enthusiasm, I printed professional-looking labels for each drawer in the house, for the trash containers (“recycling”, “compost”, “landfill”) and even for the dog food bucket (we’ve never inadvertently eaten the pooches’ kibble but one is never careful enough). Each archive box, once labeled, would join its friends on a shelf inside a closet and add a few pounds to the ever-growing weight of my history on this planet.

Offshore wind gushes and sweeps the sand on Ocean Beach. We forgot to bring lighter fluid. We have no screen to protect the nascent fire from the gusty wind that instantly puts it off. Like three rookies, Mai, Lee and I take turns trying to cuddle a spark long enough to get this bonfire started. Fortunately I married a Fire Dragon, and Mai’s astrological sign comes with a touch of magic: her sheer willpower feeds the sparks, turns them into a fire and nurtures it until our written past is engulfed in flames.

These burning archives make for a hypnotizing show. Each paper holds an invisible leash tying me to the past, to who I once was or what I once did. I can almost hear them screaming “Noooooooo” as they combust in an orange glow before fading to black. With each paper turning to ashes the sense of space and freedom grows in me.

Embers are flying away, spreading fragments of our past over the beach, rushing towards the forest that lies across the street. I imagine tomorrow’s news headlines: “Arsons set Golden Gate Park on fire and sign crime with half-burned business cards.” A silhouette in a uniform emerges from the thick darkness. The park ranger stands in front of us, his face expressionless. “This fire is not acceptable. First, it is not in a fire pit. Second, it is forbidden to burn phone books. Put it off right now! I could fine you for all this.” I open my mouth to clarify that these are not phone books but instead I choose a more prudent reply: “Yes, sir.” We begin throwing sand onto the fire, which immediately causes the ranger to snap: “Sand is not acceptable. You must use water.” We only have one tiny near-empty water bottle and a few beer cans, so Lee asks: “Where is the nearest place to get water?” The man points his arm towards the Pacific Ocean. Water and air temperature: 55 degrees. Although his face remains straight I know the park ranger is grinning inside.

The fire is extinguished. Half carbonized, half melted in salt water, the remains of the paper stack await dawn and the San Francisco garbage collection service. My feet are bare and freezing; my pants are drenched and salty; the wind is howling in the dark of night. While tying my shoelaces I take a deep breath in and enjoy the space within.

The past is dead; it always was; life only exists in the present. I just needed a fire to cleanse my soul and remind me that I must let go.

 

Cedric, 8/25/2012

Let Go!

 Change, Identity, Words of wisdom  No Responses »
Mar 042012
 

Life is full of changes. We can’t stop it. At this very moment the world is changing, people are changing. And you are changing too. As always we have a choice: we can either accept it or deny it.

This is particularly striking with relationships. Two people have an affinity based on who they are at a given point in time. A few years later they have changed: what once existed between them is no longer here. They are simply two different people now but they keep hanging on to “the relationship”, in denial of the change that has occurred. They cling to the memory of good times long gone. The relationship has become part of their identity, like an old pair of glasses that doesn’t fit anymore. Now it hurts.

Let go!

Let go of your mental image of the other person: see them as they are now. Let go of your expectations on the relationship: see it as it is now. Let go of your past self: be who you are now. If there is still an affinity, this is the perfect opportunity for a new beginning. If it’s time to move on, do it without anger, blame or judgment. We each need to walk our own path. Sometimes they stick together and sometimes they part. It is no one’s fault: it just is.

Let go!

Because only when we’ve let go of asphyxiated relationships do we have enough space in our soul for new and vibrant relationships. Like a rose bush, trimming allows us to bloom again.

 

Cedric, 03/04/2012

I dedicate this piece to N. for her courage (she will recognize herself).

Baptism by Fire

 Change, Featured Posts, North America, Travel  1 Response »
Jan 042012
 

Stepping under the palm leaf roof that covers the yoga studio, steps away from the waves crashing onto the sands of Playa Hermosa, we find a paper sign at the entrance: “Today: Yoga with Live Music.” Mai and I exchange a puzzled look and take a peak inside the room where two musicians dressed in Indian saris are sitting in a lotus position. We came here for a regular yoga class but apparently we are in for a special treat on this last day of 2011.

The teacher explains that the practice will focus on letting go of 2011 and getting ready for 2012. During 90 minutes our postures and mantras invoke the power of Kali, the Indian goddess of change and time… and the destroyer of the ego. Also known as Kālikā, her element is the wind and she lives in the heart chakra (the energy center located behind our solar plexus). Minute after minute I feel the space opening up in my chest and the air coming in and out, letting prāṇa, the life force, radiate through my entire body. Although Kali is often depicted as violent and bloody, her destruction work is essential to the flow of life: she wipes out the old to make space for the new. Images of 2011 flash inside my head: the decision to leave our lives in San Francisco and engage in a one-year journey to Central America, to the unknown. The destruction: selling our house and our cars, getting rid of furniture, books, DVDs, clothes, stuff, more stuff, so much stuff… these were necessary steps to create the possibility of a new life. I feel an inner smile as my body eases into the poses, inhaling and exhaling, asking the goddess Kali to destroy my ego and make space inside my heart, to open it up to the endless possibilities offered by 2012: a new year, a new life, a new me.

***

“Is this anyone’s first Fire Purification Ceremony?” I raise my hand slowly, as do almost all of the 9 women and 3 men gathered in a half-circle around the yoga teacher on this first day of 2012. In the center: a metal cauldron, a stack of logs, several bowls filled with spices, and a few unidentified objects. First she lights the fire while we chant a mantra to honor it. Then we start repeating the blessing mantra “Om Lokah Samastah Sukhino Bhavantu” which means: “May happiness be onto all living things in this world.” At the end of each iteration, the ritual consists in placing a hand on either your heart chakra or your mind chakra (behind the forehead), visualizing something you want to let go of, and throwing it in the fire with a hand gesture while saying “Svaha” (so be it). As we repeat this, the space gets filled with the vibration of the mantra, the heat of the fire and the collective energy of the 12 souls gathered in the room. The beginning is very easy but at the end of each repetition I scramble to find yet another thing to throw in the fire: negative emotions, past experiences that hold me back, relationships that lost their essence, perceptions of myself that stop me from moving forward… before I know it, we are reciting the mantra for the 108th and last time. We take turns throwing an offering of rice in the fire and we meditate as the last few pieces of wood get consumed. With difficulty I get out of the trance-like state and my body stops vibrating to the sound of the mantra. I feel cleansed, still, empty, at the same time peaceful and energized: ready for a new beginning.

 

Cedric, 01/04/12

Dropping the Mask

 Change, Identity, Words of wisdom  1 Response »
Oct 312011
 

At a very young age we all discover the pleasure of wearing a costume, of slipping into the identity of our favorite superhero or fairy tale creature. But what if we wore a mask every day? What if the mask ended-up merging with our own flesh and we forgot what hides underneath? I believe this is exactly what happens to most of us, a reality far scarier than a Halloween movie.

We wear masks because the world around us demands consistency. Whatever face we’ve shown until yesterday is the face we are expected to show today, tomorrow, and the day after… Even though we may feel completely different today than any other day before. Even though the world around us changes at an amazing pace. Even though human cells keep regenerating at such speed that our body is partly renewed each day. Society clings to the myth of consistency for it yields predictability, the keystone of structures such as government, religion, or the corporate world. So common sense tells us that consistency is a law of nature. But if we look close enough Mother Nature provides ample evidence of the opposite: what are the odds of finding two identical tree leaves, or two identical snowflakes? Even twins who share the same genes are not identical: their individual life experiences shapes them physically and emotionally in different ways.

If like me you are tired of the mask… just remove it and be yourself! Your new lack of consistency will cause significant changes in your life: many people are not ready to accept a new you, different from what they’ve come to expect. However, in my experience, getting such people out of your life is a true blessing and an opportunity to make room for new relationships. Only true friends will remain at your side after you drop the mask, while everyone else will call you crazy.

What if you are not ready to remove the mask just yet? Start by being aware of its existence. Notice when it says or does things that you wouldn’t. Imagine how you would behave differently if you listened to your heart. This will start un-merging the mask and letting your own skin breathe again. You will soon be able to take that fake face off, at least once in a while. As Paolo Coelho once said: “Stay mad, but behave like normal people. Run the risk of being different, but learn to do so without attracting attention.”

Happy Halloween!

 

Cedric, 10/31/2011

Crystal Ball

 Change, Europe, North America, Travel  No Responses »
Oct 182011
 

At 25, my path seems laid out in front of me: only two years after finishing school I am considered a ‘high potential’ talent in a large and successful company. All I need to do is keep working hard, ignore the sadness and emptiness growing inside me, and I will climb the corporate ladder step by step. The sky’s the limit.

There is only one problem: France requires me to serve in the mandatory military service. I’m supposed to interrupt my brilliant and lucrative career to wash toilets or fix computers for a year, earning minimum wage and wearing a khaki uniform. Unfortunately it’s a bit too late to declare myself as a conscience objector, and my occasional sprained ankles and ingrown toenails fall short of meeting the criteria for physical inaptitude. I have no interest in becoming a “military scientist” (i.e. twiddling my thumbs for 2 years while pretending to do some research work in an army lab) so I only have one option left: to serve as a “peace corps” volunteer helping a French firm grow their business abroad. This could even boost my career instead of halting it! I talk to the Director of Human Resources: he assures me he will do whatever it takes to get me an assignment in the company’s branch in London. With a broad smile he guarantees that this corporation will not lose me to the military. Reassured, I let him do his job and go back to doing mine.

A few months later I enquire about the progress. Mr. Big Smile informs me that he hasn’t done anything because the future of the London branch is uncertain, so the only possible course of action is waiting. Furious, I decide to take things in my own hands… and I spend the next few days banging on doors that won’t open. My list of options is growing very thin and the clock is ticking.

One night I get an instant message from my old friend Jean-Noel who lives abroad. He asks if I know any engineer interested in moving to the San Francisco Bay Area for a software development job. Last year I visited California and I told myself it would be a great place to live. Opportunities like this do not happen twice, you have to grab them before they disappear. The answer is easy: “Pick Me!”

It only takes a few days to go through the interviews and get selected for the new job – which the French-American software company agrees to frame as a ‘peace corps’ mission so it can officially count as fulfillment of my military service. But before making the tough decision of quitting a frozen food logistics job in France and moving to the U.S. for a high-tech software position, I want to talk to my current manager and mentor, Patrick. Somehow I need his blessing so I can move on without feeling guilty. I stand across his desk and explain my situation. He pauses for a few seconds. A timid but genuine smile appears on his face: “Cedric, I can already see you surfing in California”.

Within a few months I am surfing in the Pacific Ocean, calling the San Francisco Bay Area ‘home’, and meeting the wonderful woman who will become my wife.

Looking back, being forced to quit my job to do my military service is one of the best things that ever happened to me. Sometimes you just need to follow your heart and trust that things will work out. Even without a crystal ball to predict the future you can have faith that somehow the dots will connect, and they will draw a beautiful picture.

 

Cedric, 10/18/11

(This story was inspired by Steve Jobs’ Stanford Commencement speech).

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